Once upon a time, I held two college degrees, had great friends to hang out with, and was successful by society's standards. I say it that way because even though my undergraduate and graduate degrees were in psychology and counseling, I had built a career as an insurance claims examiner. Don't ask - it's a long, weird, and ultimately boring story. But at least my schooling made me very good at customer service.
There were those who hadn't expected me to get to that point in my life. Having battled Bipolar Disorder off and on since age 20, it was a minor miracle I'd achieved anything of much importance, really. And here I am again, stuck in neutral. I wonder every day, "How do I find a new normal?"
Change has always been something I've been allergic to - when things change, I freak out. I was born and raised in Northern California, and spent 38 years there. Then I met someone and moved to Washington State. I thought I was being really smart - I even had a job lined up. Then I was unceremoniously let go from the position 3 months later when they said I wasn't learning the (complex, multifaceted) job quickly enough. I had no friends or family to connect with, and never felt so terrified, or alone. It was my descent into a slow hell of depression and anxiety.
I applied for state disability, and they have deemed me too "incapacitated" to work. I am in the Social Security Disability process, after years fighting the fact I am too sick to work. I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder and Social Phobia and have reached the point where leaving my home to do something is a big deal. I feel I am a mere shadow of the person I once was, and that my life has little to no meaning. Still, I play the game - I go to my therapy groups, see my psychiatrist, take my medications. But something's really off. I am, as I said, stuck in neutral, and trying to navigate my way to "drive." Join my journey as I try to get the engine revving again.
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Your journey has been a difficult one. I fight clinical depression and know others who do. Medications have made a difference, sometimes a noticeable one, but the problem never seems to go away. It's impacted by change, the kind of change others probably wouldn't notice. Its impacted by the weather or some dream I don't remember the whole of. I seldom speak of it because that introduces the fact that DEPRESSION and depression aren't the same thing. So, I hear, "I know just how you feel" by well meaning people who don't know how I feel.
ReplyDeletePeople seem uncomfortable with the subject. At a table where everyone seems to be talking about their illnesses and their trips to the doctor, the words Clinical Depression or psychiatrist or Paxil or Zoloft pretty much bring things to a screach halt.
Needless to say, I don't know how you feel, but maybe, just maybe, this blog will be a way to connect with others...to get out of your house without actually leaving your house. Some days I find I'm not stuck in neutral and I wonder why not, though my issues with all this are really very minor compared with yours.
I hope you do have some days when you find yourself inadvertently in first gear and that you can enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
--Malcolm
P.S. I'm on your MySpace friends list and just now saw the URL for this blog today. Unfortunately, MySpace blocks out URLs for Blogger for unknown reasons. (I have a blog on blogger, too, but nobody can get their directly from MySpace.)