Structure

Having a bipolar brain, I not only crave structure, I need it in order to keep my sanity intact. Words that other people find offensive, such as "routine," are what I thrive on. It's the meat of my daily existence. If I don't get structure, I drift; become agitated, restless, and ultimately neurotic. That's where I am now and a big part of why I'm stuck in neutral.

I have had some experience with being hospitalized in a psychiatric unit on more than one occasion. Not the most fun experience of my life to be sure, but at the time, my condition was dire and it was the only option to stablize me. While I was in the hospital, I was amazed and more than a little irritated that the staff kept me busy from the moment my feet hit the floor 'til I went to sleep. I used to think, "Why can't they just leave me alone and let me rest?" Now, all these years later, I can fully understand their methods. To keep me distracted, engaged in other things, and out of my own head. If only I had that kind of structure now!

For years, even though I pretty much hated every minute of it, work was the main structure and focus of my life. I had a predictable rhythm and flow to my week, and I came to depend on it. It mentally and physically occupied me, and made me feel like I was worthwhile and productive. Now, I feel as if the very center of my life has dropped out. Yes, there is a little structure to my life during the week, but not nearly as much as I want or need. The community mental health provider I go to is very big on groups, and I go to three, 2-hour groups per week. It carves a little time out of the day, but what then? I can only watch so much TV, or rent so many videos, before I go stir-crazy.

A lot of my life is spent in limbo these days. Waiting endlessly for the train that never seems to come into the station. No hopes, no prospects, no opportunities. My disability lawyer has told me it will be 8 months to a year before I get a Social Security hearing. More waiting. Then, when the time comes - what? There are no guarantees, and I don't expect this fight to be easy. If I didn't disclose I had mental health challenges, you would probably think there was nothing wrong with me, and why wasn't I working? I wish I could just open up my head and show a judge the dark demons that lurk underneath. Then it would be "case closed."

I certainly don't long for the old days of the mental hospital, but I almost wish there was someone I could hire who could plan my days for me and keep me busy. It sounds odd, but it'd work for me.